comparisons

I was flipping through the channels today as I munched on a hurried bowl of granola, and found Gilmore Girls. I stopped and watched the intro to the episode... It was about 4 seasons after I left off, but still had all the same characters. Rory was farther along in whatever degree she's getting, still the same relationship cycle between Mum and her love interest, and that dead beat "cute" boy that Rory has been broken up for the last 6 seasons was making a re-entry to the series (what's the point of keeping a love interest alive if they're not going to end up happily ever after? cruel and unusual!). Sorry for the run on sentence.

But I realized that I had unconciously been comparing myself to this type of lifestyle; of people who knew the same people for years on end, who kept on having the same issues because the writers never got more creative. I was talking to a friend earlier today, who I've known for a few weeks, and the comment of not having people who "really knew her" to talk to. And I realized that I'm used to spilling my guts to strangers, because in a lot of ways, to me, everybody is a stranger, because I don't stay in circles longer then six months. I'm really feeling like a piece of incompetent 21 year old angst ridden college student. Oh well.

But I know that it's not really my fault for not sticking around the people I've known for longer then six months; the very few I have met that were worth keeping I have kept- and I love them dearly. But I'm so god damned tired of being nomadic. I'm so tired of constantly testing my waters with the people that I consider to be my closest friends. Why is this so much more difficult then it should be?

Healthy Relationships

I've spent a lot of the last year looking at people that I cared for and wondering how in the world we could ever have a healthy relatinship, much less call what we had a healthy relationship. Not meaning to point fingers, but I often felt that someone I was "involved" with was not stable as a person, and after the fact could not understand how they could be in a stable mongomous relationship, and let's not contemplate a polyamorous situation.

After the last cycle, I had decided that it must have to do with me; if I was going to have this many recurances of unhealthy relationships, then I must be doing something wrong. I'm more inclined, now, to say I was just choosing the wrong people and settling for less then what I thought would be healthy or ideal simply because I did not think that healthy or ideal was available- or that I deserved it. Not that I didn't do things wrong, but in all honestly I probably should've stepped out of several situations months before I did, as opposed to hoping they would become healthier and the other people involved would get the healing they needed.

I had decided to change something, whether it be go lesbian, or celibate for a while. But I didn't have to; I've found myself in an "unbroken" relationship, with a person who is willing and able to actually communicate. Finally being able to relax and let down my walls, without bonking my head against the wall wondering why someone I love is insisting on going down this path again. I hope that I can learn from him; to recognize what a healthy relationship truly is, and to never settle for less, ever again.