I've spent a lot of the last year looking at people that I cared for and wondering how in the world we could ever have a healthy relatinship, much less call what we had a healthy relationship. Not meaning to point fingers, but I often felt that someone I was "involved" with was not stable as a person, and after the fact could not understand how they could be in a stable mongomous relationship, and let's not contemplate a polyamorous situation.
After the last cycle, I had decided that it must have to do with me; if I was going to have this many recurances of unhealthy relationships, then I must be doing something wrong. I'm more inclined, now, to say I was just choosing the wrong people and settling for less then what I thought would be healthy or ideal simply because I did not think that healthy or ideal was available- or that I deserved it. Not that I didn't do things wrong, but in all honestly I probably should've stepped out of several situations months before I did, as opposed to hoping they would become healthier and the other people involved would get the healing they needed.
I had decided to change something, whether it be go lesbian, or celibate for a while. But I didn't have to; I've found myself in an "unbroken" relationship, with a person who is willing and able to actually communicate. Finally being able to relax and let down my walls, without bonking my head against the wall wondering why someone I love is insisting on going down this path again. I hope that I can learn from him; to recognize what a healthy relationship truly is, and to never settle for less, ever again.
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